Just cleaning out the closet
Thewe are some things on my comp that I want to write down before I lose them.

To name the thing that between us we share,
Would be to name that thing that floats on a summer's air.
That energy that has no origin or destination.T
The KInd of feeling that you can put all your faith in.

It would be like trying to halt the wind in a park,
Where there is nothing to stop its gentle arch.
Or to bottle a cloud in a empty container,
In hopes that you might keep it forever.

If only I could keep you with me forever,
Bound together by an unbreakable teather.
And watch you fall asleep, embrassed in my arms,
Able to protect you from any foes or harm.

But wishes are wishes, dreams, dreams.
And my hopes this will not split at the seams.
To spend all the time I have with you,
and enjoy every second, please make it true.

That was a poem I wrote for Bri when I was dating her.

did you think I wouldn't find out,
did you think I wouldn't learn,
did you think this is formation
wouldn't burn

I never doubted you,
Even when I knew
but still it hurts when you
say you did.

you do not deserve me
this much I know
and through this pain
i will grow

I hope you know what you did,
when you did it to me
but nothing can pay for
this broken fee

and so I lay here waiting,
and cry myself sick
cry just to let out
all this shit

This is a song I wrote for Jaq, or Bri, I don't remember. But it just expresses my frustration.

Your kindly editors here at Men's Health approached me to write about how life now is different from back in my Monty Python days. I asked them what, exactly, they were looking for.

"You can't go very far wrong in a men's magazine if you write about sex, power, and money," they said.

So, all right, let's start with sex. My wife refuses to let me have sex with any of the seminaked Broadway chorus girls in my new play, Spamalot. When I point out to her that it won't mean anything to me, the girls will hardly notice, it will only take a moment, and doctors insist that any sexual activity is good for over-60 blokes like me, she gives me the look that Hitler gave Poland. I have to pretend I was joking. So now you see where the power is in my life. Oh, and that's where the money is, too. We have a 50-50 deal: I earn it, she spends it. But I do love her. Whatever her name is.

So let me tell you exactly how I view aging. Of course, I'll have to put my glasses on for this. . . .

THE BODY
So, just how healthy am I at 62? Clearly not at all, by American standards. I still have my teeth. But, sadly, I have British teeth. They are like British politics--they go in all directions at once. It's because Hitler stole all of our milk cows. Anyway, it is a very well-known thing, and all British boys of my age are dentally retarded. That's no reason for you Yanks to laugh at us and pooh-pooh our dentistry, just because you all grew up with a mouthful of iron. Our teeth are rotten and crooked, as nature intended. But chorus girls should be careful when kissing us and putting their tongues in our mouths, or their tongues might return circumcised.

I also have British legs. They are not chunky like Yankee boys' legs. They are long and thin and shaped like a woman's. Well, not a British woman's, obviously. But like, say, those of one of your supermodels who is now over 60. Let's say Lauren Hutton. I may not get as many offers as Lauren Hutton, but I still have the legs.

THE MIND
What about the brain? Well, in the sentence "I was summoned by the committee and given a severe dressing-down," my brain sees "I was summoned by the committee and given a severe dressing gown." Obviously not what was intended, but I like the idea of a severe dressing gown. It reeks of Noel Coward.

My mind does this all the time. I automatically scan words backwards, which is why I cannot pass a bottle of Evian without thinking it Naive, lager to me is always regal, and for years I thought Bridget Jones had a dairy.

The only really useful thing about aging is, you can legitimately forget everybody's name. This does tend to piss them off. I have started to do this on purpose even when I do remember people's names, as they get wonderfully angry. "This is Colin Powell," I'll say when introducing Mike Nichols to someone. He hates it. "And you know his wife, Madonna," I'll add, bringing forward Diane Sawyer. She smiles, but I know she wants to kill me. Tiny triumphs, but one must live on something.

Of course, I haven't a clue who most people are. Only the other day at some function, I asked a gray-haired chap with piggy eyes what he was doing these days.

"I'm still president," he said.

THE EYES
I am listing my flaws, though obviously they are easily outnumbered by my virtues. I'd ask my wife to confirm this, but I forget her name, and the two names I tried brought the dogs. Still, I figure this is a health magazine, and flaws are more interesting. So let me come right out and confess that I suffer from object blindness. Object blindness is not the same thing as object blondeness, where blondes object to you making overtures to them.

Object blindness is the inability to find anything you are looking for even when it is right in front of your face. Your spectacles, your house key, the car keys, the vinegar bottle, the book you are currently reading, even the wife, all vanish immediately the moment you want them. I think it's one of the effects of jet lag--though personally I prefer private-jet lag, which is the exhaustion you get from attempting to persuade wealthy friends to let you on their planes. Many's the time I have hared down the runway at the Burbank airport begging, but no, they go on pretending to read and ordering their private cocktails, and just take off in their soft leather seats without ever a glance at me.

Does it make me bitter? Of course it f--king does. Just wait till my Greedy Bastard book makes it onto the bestseller list. Wait till Spamalot is in its 16th year. Wait till I'm on Oprah and she's telling me how my book changed her life, and perhaps I'd like a ride in one of her private planes. Wait till Donald Trump is showing me the secret of his back comb--then you'll all be jealous.

I think what causes this tendency for things to disappear is that I am looking for the word rather than the thing. I am not visualizing the vinegar bottle, I am visualizing the words "vinegar bottle," which prevents me from seeing the damn thing when it is right under my nose. Of course I can smell the vinegar bottle, so that is how I've cured this problem.

I now smell for things rather than look for them. I smell for my spectacles, I smell for my wife (luckily she is very fragrant), and I can of course smell the dogs a mile away.

DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU. They say aging is a funny thing. But there's nothing funny at all about it. You still feel 14, but when you turn on the bathroom light, this ugly old guy in the mirror leaps out at you. Forget all that advertising crap about the golden years; that's just bullsh-- to try to get you to put your money into real estate. Retirement-living homes are thinly disguised golfing camps. That's another warning sign of age: golf. It's nature's way of telling you you should be dead. My friend Billy Connolly has this sign outside his Scottish castle: "Golfers will be f--ked and burned." So beware.

That's why I don't recommend getting older. Stay where you are. If anything, retard yourself. How nice to be young again and peeing in your own pajamas. Not desperately stumbling to remember the name of the woman you have lived with for over 200 years . . . ah, Tania, there, that's it. Thank God I am in the theater and can call everyone "darling."

So, darlings, I have to go now. I forget why, but the man in the white coat is holding a large needle. Perhaps it's time for my golf. Maybe it's my Viagra. (If symptoms persisted for 4 hours, I'd f--k my doctor. . . . )

One or two final tips: Don't read newspapers. They're not just bad for trees. Don't watch TV news. Look at those anchors in their wigs and ridiculous hairdos. Can you trust people who are lying about their appearance? Same goes for TV evangelists. If God wants money, he'll take it. That's why he's God.

Just keep pissing in your pajamas and complaining about everything. That's the great benefit of age.

And this was a funny article I read on Men's Health. Go Eric Idle.

Where did this come from?
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: 99.3 CFOX
I was talking to Liam a few days ago, and he starts to say that he doesn't approve of me hanging out with Cynthia and Sam. He said that they were a bad influence. Now I know Helen told him about Saturday when I hung out with Cyn and a bunch of other people. And I know that she told him they did E. But this is something I didn't expect from Liam. I mean, where does he get off telling me that THEY are a bad influence? Wasn't it Liam who told me he wanted to do every drug out there? I mean come on, if it wasnt' for Liam, I would not have even tried pot. Give me a break. I really want to know what that was all about, but when I asked him, he kinda just shut up and said, "you'll see." Now, either he didn't have time to explain to me why he didn't want me hanging out with them, or the drugs aren't the real reason. Whatever, that was an awesome weekend, and this coming up weekend is going to be just as good. Especially because I got 2 bottles of smirnoff to bring along.

I need backup
Now Playing: Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff
So I'm just to skip all the boring shit that happened today and get down to the nasty stuff. I got a glimpse of just how hypocritical some people can be. I was eating with Athena, Helen, Kayla, Aaron, Danielle, Katie, and Nick. So we started off talking about my hair, no, correct that, dissing me because of my hair. Now this has started to irritate me to no end. Leave me the fuck alone. I like my hair, and sure, it did look a little weird because I put it down today, but I don't need everyone telling me that. Seriously, can't everyone just accept that this is the way my hair is going to be for a while and I like it this way. And honestly, I don't need people telling me what I should dye my hair. I know you think you are just trying to help, but I'm not going to run out to the store and dye it some color just because you said so. Anyway, that was just the lead up to what really got me going. We somehow got on the topic of men and women stereotypes and a whole bunch of stuff. First of all, let me just make clear that if people don't listen to what I have to say, they aren't going to understand. Ie. Kayla. If I had to pick the worst person there, it would be her. After all her talk for half her life about being open minded, where was it today eh? She didn't even listen to a word I said, she just waited until I was finished talking so she could insult me again. If you are going to be in the conversation, at least fucking listen to what other people are saying. Might be nice. Looking back on it, I don't even know why I tried to explain my point of view. It is too complex to explain in 40 minutes, let alone to 6 people who aren't really trying to understand. The fact is, they were taking what I said and turned it around amongst them, then fired it back at me. But what was being fired back at me had absolutely nothing to do with what I said. How can I support a point that I didn't even make? I was ready to snap there, and then I realised that it was 6 against 1. Athena mentioned that I should bring in more guys to help me out. But the fact is, that I would feel sorry for any guy I could drag into that situation. Not to mention the fact that there are NO guys in the whole school that would be able to stick up for themselves without becoming complete idiots. The only people who come close to being independant are the G's, and they are so close minded I could blast through their skulls with a grenade launcher. Fuck.

So in conclusion, I wish people would just please stop telling me they hate my hair. I understand you don't like it, but I do so just leave me alone. Secondly, I was not wrong with what I was saying. It was just that it came in conflict with everything they had been programmed to believe, and when they tried to make it fit, they just fucked it up. If you want to hear my views, don't try to make it fit, just accept it as a whole, because I have spent a lot of time thinking this shit over and it all works if you just DO NOT FUCK WITH IT! It is a good thing I have a high tolerace against anger.

FOAMY!!!
Now Playing: The Halifax Comedy Fest
Do I have anything to update? Not really... But Sarah is bitching at me so I might as well write something. Finally, it is the weekend!! Yay!!
So I am starting up bowling again. I don't really want to do it. I mean, all the interesting people are gone. I am only left with the retards and the fat chick that wants me. I would just not go, except I want the bowling scholarship. I sacrifices I make for my education. That is it. Eat your heart out Sarah.

Ok....Seriously?
So it is my day off. So what do I decide to do? Clean stuff. Good plan, I haven't cleaned anything in 2 weeks. So I finish my bedroon and guess what I find laying in the middle of my floor. Yeah, the toe ring that I bought in Pinticton for Amber. I have been looking for that for over a month. And now it is just laying in the middle of my floor. I have no idea where it came from either. It was just there. In the bad box it goes. And you are telling me that life doesn't have a pattern? bullshit.

Touching
Now Playing: Dream Theatre - Home
I just realised how boring my blog must be. I just finished reading Helen's and Athena's blogs and they are so interesting. Helen's Poems and word mashes never cease to touch me somehow. And Athena is not far behind. Still, I just write boring old paragraphs for anyone to read. But that is the way this blog goes, so I guess I will continue writing my boring paragraphs.

So what has happened lately? Well, not much in my books. Just a lot of little things.

Pots and Pans got busted. Which sux I guess. No more pot. But then again, I was thinking about quiting. And sorry for being weird on the phone Helen. The truth is, I don't want to. Plus I had a surprise for everyone, but since Athena is having her B-Day on Saturday(good job on the date by the way, that is my day off) the surprise will be ruined. The only downside of having Athena's B-Day on Saturday is that I won't have much time to shop for her. Hell, I don't even know what to get her. I am not really that good at the gift giving stuff. But I want to get her something. For too long I have sat in the corner at B-Day parties when we all sit around and open gifts.

I think I just got asked out this morning. See there is this girl I work with at Metro. I have kinda been flirting with her. So today after work, she asked me if I wanted to join her to dinner with some of her friends. But then she remembered that I worked today and said "nevermind". But she did go on to say that she doesn't usually invite ppl to things with her friends. Hmm...friend zone or dating material...where do I stand. I would go all out on this girl, except she is asian. Don't get me wrong, she is pretty cute. Definitely one of the better looking girls to have an interest in me. But...Asian...

It is amazing how fast you can lose your appetite
I did it. And I hate it. I e-mailed Amber this morning, telling her to call me because we needed to talk. She just called. I told her everything I felt and how being away from her affected me. I poured my heart out, and on the other end of the phone, all I heard was silence. Silence, until I heard the hushed sniff as she tried to choke back her first tear. I repeated some of what I said before, to give her time. I wanted her to say something. Anything. I wanted to give her enough time to say whatever she could. Finally it came, I could see her teary eyed in my mind, she said 'ok'. Ok were the only works she could choke out. So I told her that I was going to go, and that if she had anything to tell me, that she could call me. She called me back not even 5 minutes later. She said that she still wanted to be friends and that she understood. That means a lot to me. Usually I don't like to talk to my ex-girlfriends after I break up with them. It is just too weird. but for Amber, I think I will make an exception. I am sorry Amber, but I had to do it. It had to be done.

b-day week
Now Playing: The fridge
I really need to update. So much has happened this week because of b-day stuff. So just in case you don't know, I hate my b-day. I have never been any good at throwing b-day parties, or any parties for that matter. So yeah, my perfect b-day party would be a surprise one where I don't have to do any work. So anyway, I went to the beach to hang out with Helen and Athena. Cynthia, Sam, and a few other ppl were there too, but we didn't chill with them. Helen and Athena just can't relate to those ppl. Personally, I love to just let loose and have fun with ppl, even if they are like 2 years younger than me. I could tell right away that they didn't want to hang out with them, so we went to the other end of the beach. We had an awesome time though, just talking and stuff. Then we went to some weird all you can eat sushi place. I ate things that I didn't even realise were editable. raw fish? I mean honestly, are they THAT lazy? Good times.

My actual b-day kinda sucked. I did nothing but worked. What a waste of a good day.

Friday I tried to go to the movies with Sam, Cynthia and Nem. But it didn't really work out. We didn't get togther early enough for us to see a movie b4 me and Nem went to work, and Cynthia got sick. We spend most of the time just chilling out at the big comfy chairs in Metro.

Today I had my family b-day lunch thing. That was alright. I really don't have much to talk about with my family.I am planning to check out my cousin's friend's band though. They are apparently really good. B-day Haul: 100 dollars and a new end table.

Tomorrow I am spending the day with Liam. Hopefully I am also going to visit and alternate plane of existance along with buy the donnie darko and fight club movies. I also have to get 25th hour and momento. *adds to wish list*

Sunday I am spending with Jacki Nelson. She is back in town. I don't know why, but she has called me up the past 3 days trying to see me. god. whatever.

New Experiment
Now Playing: Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me
Alright, so there is this girl where I work. She comes by every morning and takes a paper and all that. And we have been joking back and forth a little, today she hit me with the paper. So I think I am going to give her my number. I would really like to know what it is like dating a black girl... One more for the record. Oh shit, I still have to end things with Amber... Oh well, things will happen when they happen.

The Dog Days of Summer
Mood:  vegas lucky
I've got about an hour before I should pass out so I am going to update. Yay!
Alright, so after getting my Metro job, life has been tiring. And now I have the Kodak job to boot, which means more money and less sleep. but for 16 an hour, I can't complain. I have managed to spend more time with Cynthia and Sammie this summer, trying to make more friends. And you know, I am actually having fun. I also showed Liam where Pots and Pans is so he can buy his own shit. Got high with Helen for the first time. Helen is right, you have more fun when you are out in the bright light. Liam's cave is great for the GT but doesn't rank very high in the visual stimuization.
Sarah's b-day was a blast too. I am always kinda surprised when I hang out with Cathy. But she did seem kinda bitchy to that Wilson dude. I totally want to hang out with him, just to get drunk and get in fights.
Liam told off Michelle too. But just before that I was having a heart to heart with her. I told her exactly what I thought about her and everything. I was actually very nice about it. But I found out that after I left, she called Jay and cryed to him about it. Than he called Helen and bitched about be to her. God. I don't know what the fuck is everyone's problem. I feel so bad for Helen, she always gets stuck in the middle of this shit. I'm so sorry Helen. I just wish people wouldn't missinterprete what I say to make me sound like an asshole.